A Honest Reflection...

As I am writing this I have started this post about four different times, each time I have hit the backspace key because the words are just not coming out right. The things that I want to write about are so dark, so deep, that I just can’t seem to find a way to cushion the blow of the words that want to bubble out of me. Life has brought hard things these past few months, and part of me longs to scream at the top of my lungs what has happened and beg anyone who will listen to help justice be done, to do something. Part of me wants to run away from the pain and pretend that nothing is happening, the other tells me that going through this fire is worth it in the end. Yet part of me is still asking if I can make it. I am left asking these questions to God. God, do you see what is happening, are you going to make wrong right like you promised? Will justice be done? Will you be my strength in this time? I know you have promised you will not give me more than I can handle, so why does it feel like I am about to fall over the edge?


Maybe these thoughts alone are too raw, but I must be honest with my struggle. I want to say a cheery sentence at the end saying that even through these times I completely trust God and what he is doing. I want to say that even though I have struggled, God has brought me through these hard times and I am on the other side. However I am not there and I think I have finally come to a place that I can admit that and ultimately be ok with this. I know that there will be a day I will be able to see these things as over and be able to see how God’s hand is in everything, but I am not there yet. Some days I feel like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, others I wonder if these things will ever be done in my life, if the pain and the circumstances will ever change.

I don’t want to seem completely depressed or down, I truly am getting through this times knowing the hope that God gives me. Even as I write this I want to take back what I have said, but I want to be honest, because I am not the only one with life changing events happening in their lives and I know I am not the first or the last to feel like this.

In the pain and frustration, I have found the sweetest hope. Without it, I do not know how I would survive. The first is the truth of who God is. I have come to understand how God does not want these horrific things to happen to His children, however like a good parent God does allow the pain to happen, not to torture us but to help us to become more like him. I believe that I could let this time in my life make me bitter, to be mad at God at why He would allow this to happen or I can choose to let God teach me, to grow me more into His child that looks more like her Father everyday. What a completely overwhelming thought. I pray that I am the daughter who is seeking her heavenly fathers face while facing the hardest hurdles of her life. I pray that I can let these times in my life not pull me away, but push me closer to the life support I so desperately need. The second thing that I have found truly overwhelming is seeing God’s people come around and support in amazing ways. I feel like I have truly seen the body of Christ in action. I have never felt this as much as I did when ten of my co-workers and friends gathered around me and lifted me and my family up to the one who holds the keys.

There is a song by Scott Krippayne that whenever I hear on the radio, I am reminded of a truth I need to cling to. The chorus is this…

Sometimes He calms the storm

With a whispered peace be still

He can settle any sea

But it doesn't mean He will

Sometimes He holds us close

And lets the wind and waves go wild

Sometimes He calms the storm

And other times He calms His child

The part that gets me is understanding that God can calm the storm, sometimes he does. But other times he chooses to let the storm rage but then he will calm his child. In this time, I pray that I will be the child in her heavenly fathers arm that might be really scared, I might not understand, I might even feel like I am about to fall out of him arms, but the truth is HE is holding me in His arms and won’t let go. These are the truths I need to cling to.

Not forgetful, just busy!

I know it, I have been absolutely horrible about keeping updated these last few weeks. However just to state my case, this is not because I have not thought about it! In fact, I typically go through my day thinking about what I want to blog about, and believe me, I have a lot of good ideas. Yet somehow at the end of the day when I crash into bed (and yes, it has been almost literally crashing into bed) I have not written down anything. These past few weeks have been so crazy, I feel like I need to grab on to something stationary and hold on for dear life… and unfortunately there are no signs of life slowing down.
Phil and I both flew back to Minnesota Sunday afternoon after having an amazing trip in New Mexico. My heart, mind, body and soul really needed to escape and relax. Though we were very busy while we were down there, it was so nice to be doing something different with my great family. I was SO hard to say goodbye, but are excited that we will be going down end of June again for about ten days… and the countdown begins!

Work is insanely busy, though having a week off was amazing, I am paying for it now! I could work 24 hours a day and still not get done all that needs to be done before I start with Events for the summer. As some of you know, I work for Student Development nine months out of the year and then work with our lodging program for three months in the summer. I really love both positions, however this time of year it is crazy trying to wrap up one job and also working at getting the next started. This summer is also extremely busy with groups that will keep me oh so busy as well.

We have had a HUGE answer to prayer as well! Phil interviewed for a position on Tuesday and got a call back the same day that they wanted him to start today! It is a management company that has many apartment complexes for low income and homeless people all over the Twin Cities. He will be doing general accounting work for them. It is a contract position; however it sound like this will be a much longer contract, maybe even a year. So in the mean time, there are a few other direct hire jobs he is still in the running for. We are just so amazed at how God continually takes care of us!

Today I get to run for the first time in months… and I am scared!! Honestly really scared! I think it is more that I don’t want to face the reality of needing to get back in running shape or that I have probably lost all my great progress. However, I am excited that my leg is healing enough to start running again! Today I am running with my physical therapist and she is going to video tape me running and then we will work on form and how I run to help prevent injury in the future. Then in two weeks I meet with the orthopedist again and she said at the point unless something has really changed I should be given the green light to run on my own and start training again for the marathon! I am nervous thinking about running the marathon because I feel like I have lost so much time for training, but am so thankful that I will still be able to run.

And now for the random thoughts/pictures that have been floating around in my head for days…
Please meet Audrey… This is my dog (ok, I mean my moms dog, but I would take her in a heartbeat!) She is the sweetest little girl ever, I really had fun with her while in NM... I am sure she really misses me :)

Did you know spring is here? Yes, yes it is here!! Just to prove to you that it is… look what I bought to make our yard beautiful!!!

Did you know in New Mexico you can bring your little dogs anywhere?!? It’s true, and yes, Audrey loved going to Lowes with us!

I have also decided that I think the Southwest is b-e-a-utiful…. I love the mountains and the clouds and the sun and and and…. :) Marta and her boyfriend and Phil and I took a trip about an hour and a half south of Albuquerque to get hay for my Mom’s horses, I was beautiful country!

Yes, this is what real men do… and yes, these are real men!

And these…

And these…

Opps, i mean look at those REAL girls! :)

Ok, last random thought… can you believe that my little sister is 17!??! Look at her all grown up AND WITH A BOY!! :) Marta, I love you!

Oh my goodness, how time has flown by! I am not sure how this much time has passed, other than our lives being 100% crazy! These past two weeks have brought much change and fun times!

The biggest is that Phil and I on a whim flew down to New Mexico on Saturday to spend a week with family down here. Originally Phil was going to come down alone and work for my Aunt and Uncle and I was going to stay home and work. However some things happened with my family the day before he was going to leave and I felt a great need to just get away! SO, Saturday morning, two hours before the flight took off my flight was booked and I jumped on a plane. It was super quick and last minute but really great. I have the most incredible boss who understood my needing to get away as well as the most generous Aunt who used a free ticket she had so I could come down as well.

This week down here has been a blast. We have been mostly hanging out, with so much time together. My mom and I went for a very long horse back ride yesterday through the Bosque by the Rio Grand River. It was beautiful out and so much fun to be riding again. I think it has been almost four years since I have been riding, and for a girl who grew up riding everyday, that’s a long time!

My Mom moved into new house last fall but has not had the chance to paint much, so we went together to pick out some colors and started painting. Last night we got the first coat on her kitchen and had a lot of fun doing it. Marta and Phil did a junk food run, so we all got on sugar highs and painted… that’s my kind of fun :)

Back at home we have almost completed the bathroom and are just waiting on a full time job for Phil before we finish a few things. I meant to take pictures, however with our last minute trip, I just didn’t have time! It is looking so awesome though and it is AMAZING to have a toilet upstairs again!

I have also received some good news about my leg! I went for my six week check-up with the Orthopedist and she said it is healing really well. I will be able to start running again with my PT this coming week and two weeks after that should be able to start running for real again. I am so excited to be able to get back to running, though I am partially scared, I know after this amount of time not running it will take quite a bit to get back into it!

Phil is still searching for a job, there have been a few things he is in the running for, however nothing has panned out yet… There is a possibility of a job opening in New Mexico though. This is a really scary thing to think about so we are trying to just take one thing at a time and trust that God has a good plan! The thought of leaving Minnesota is so sad, however we would love to be with all my family down here. So we will see, it probably won’t happen for a long time still… but we will see.

Work has been extremely busy, I feel like everyday I am there I just do not have enough hours to do what I need to do. I am so grateful for an awesome place to work and am so thankful for amazing co-workers.

Well, that is all for now. I have been writing this post for the last few hours but keep on getting distracted by all that is going on here, so I better end before I have another thing to pull me away!

The ramblings of life…

It feels like I have been gone for a long time, don’t worry I am back now. Well at least my body is, my brain still may be MIA.

We had an awesome weekend starting a little earlier on Thursday then expected! Phil and I both helped our friend Megan move to her new apartment. Then we went to a party celebrating the end of boot camp (the workout class we have been in since January). The party was an absolute blast, our host Dawn went beyond and above what any of us were expecting. It was a great time with great people! Friday I had off (gotta love working for a Christian College that gives you Good Friday as paid holiday!!) and we worked on the bathroom most of the day. By the time we went to bed Friday night we had all the sheetrock hung (THANKS ROBBIE AND CHARLIE!!). It was great progress and the bathroom is starting to feel like a real room again!

Saturday Phil and I spent a few hours mudding and taping the walls, no to much fun. Honestly both Phil and I were exhausted already so taping and mudding was less than enjoyable! We then went to “Easter” Church Saturday night. It was such a great message and words I really needed to hear. After church we enjoyed a short evening with Phil’s extended family for a not-so-traditional Easter pizza party! It was great to see everyone and enjoy each others company!

Easter Sunday was like none other! We had decided a few weeks back that we wanted to do something very low-key, so along with Emily and Megan we did just that. The day was absolutely beautiful and we spent most of it in the sun. We made Kabobs and grilled them, had blankets out on the lawn and had good wine and ate in the sunshine. After our food we went for a bike ride, and came home and played wiffleball for a long time in the yard. It was such a blast! PD loved us being out in the yard and “played” with us the whole time.

Now for a few updates….

My leg is healing well, my physical therapist gave me permission to start biking! I am so excited to be able to do more and feel like I am making progress. Though it is doing much better, a few times I have forgotten and run across the yard or something like that and am quickly reminded to take it easy! Thankfully the pain is almost completely gone, a really good sign according to my PT. I am hoping that I will be able to start running again in a few weeks!’

The job search for Phil is proving to be more frustrating this time around. Though there have been quite a few potentials, in the end everything has panned out to be nothing. He has applied to many jobs, but is still waiting to hear back from them. We are hoping the with the second quarter starting companies will be opening up more jobs. Even though there are many entry level accounting positions open, we are finding that the people who have been laid off with year of experience are taking these jobs, leaving those with little to no experience job-less. Amidst the trials I feel that both Phil and I are learning to trust in God more everyday and do trust God to take care of us! If you hear of anything opening we would appreciate it!

The bathroom project is slowly making progress. We are hoping to be painting by the weekend, and from this point we will only have the floor left to tile, however we are waiting on this until Phil has a job again! So soon we will have a fully functioning bathroom. We are both really loving the way it is turning out, and are also ready for some order to return to our house. Though we are still having fun doing the project, we are both finding it to be more exhausting then any other project. I think with so much going on in our personal lives anything in the bathroom that is a little more of a challenge tends to get a little bigger than life… you can ask Phil how I am dealing with that!

Happy Tuesday!

Perfection

Today was just one of those days, nothing bad happened, there was nothing to make me sad or upset. Yet all day there was a cloud over my head. However when I got home, all was redeemed.

On my drive home I enjoyed the sun shining and good music to make me smile. As I got out of the car my dog and husband greeted me at the door welcoming me home. PD was very excited and wanted to play so I ran around the yard enjoying more sunshine. After a while I lied down on the grass and looked into the sky. The sun started to wash away my day and leave happiness. Phil came and joined me and we lied on the grass with our dog just enjoying the day.

After a while we got up and moved to the porch to our hammock where we snuggled up in the warm air and I slept. There is nothing more perfect and peaceful than a warm spring day snuggled on a hammock with my head on my husband’s chest sleeping peacefully. These moments make all the bad ones better.

OH and guess what? I wore a skirt and sandals for the first time this season… all is well in the world.

Finally Friday

This morning I have been working on things for running for World Vision… and man this stuff gets me excited!! Honestly, I am sitting here itching so badly to get out and run. There are about twenty-five people who are running with Northwestern for World Vision! It is so cool to see others catch the vision for what we are doing and join us. Also just having the accountability and support of others is going to be great… now I just need to be able to run!

It feels strange to be looking forward to something like this knowing it will probably be the hardest I have ever made my body work and not be able to train! Honestly God is teaching me how to rely on him so much right now. Even these last few days I feel like I have grown so much, and I am feeling thankful for the things God is bringing me through.

Over the last few weeks I have been going through some pretty rough stuff with my family that I can’t share right now, but have been really weighed down and feeling pretty lost. At the start of this week I realized that I really needed to get some things out, but really did not know who to turn to. So I just started to pray that God would bring people into my life, and he has! Over the last two days there have been a few people that I have been able to talk to and I am SO grateful! Those of you know who you are, thank you. Honestly the conversations and the love and compassion you have shown me has been overwhelming.

This weekend both Phil and I are volunteering at church. In between things we are also hoping to get the shower tiled in the bathroom! We will see how far we get… Hope everyone has a great weekend!

AA for Procrastinators

Once again, I am using this blog to procrastinate… I really should be writing my five page paper on leadership and communication that is due… well… um…. tonight. I also should really be working on my presentation that I have to give in class…. Once again tonight… however I feel that writing a blog post is more important than grad school and my paper and presentation will still be there when I am done with this… right? I mean really, in ten years will I be more interested in reading my blog or paper… I think BLOG! (Don’t you like how I rationalize not doing homework?)

Ok, I will admit it, I am a very bad procrastinator. Honestly with most things, I just get it done. I would say I am fairly self motivated and really enjoy being on top of things. So why does this not translate into school!?

These last few days I have been greatly enjoying the warm weather and sunshine. The snow is almost completely gone from our yard; a huge feat considering the piles were up to my chin only a few weeks ago. Though I am learning to enjoy all seasons, I just can’t help but be relieved warmer weather is in its way. (Please do not tell me about the possible snow on Saturday… I am living in denial right now.) Monday we drove over to Como park (it is only a mile from our house) with the dog and enjoyed a walk. I forget how close we are to such a beautiful place. I am looking forward to summer runs there! The dog is in desperate need of some exercise since he has gotten almost none all winter… yes, I know I am a bad pet owner. We walked maybe a mile and when we got home he did not move the rest of the evening… kind of sad :) Once I can be walking more I am going to try and train a little with him, maybe I can get him in shape also!

Job update: We are still waiting to hear back from Phil’s company… there are still a few options, I guess the company’s are just moving really slow! I am praying we will hear something soon! In the mean time Phil is being so awesome at home. I am so thankful for a husband who is so great! He has made and brought me lunch to work the last few days, did all the laundry, is working on a bunch of little projects around the house, made food for our small group, and many other things! Have I mentioned that he is just a great guy and I am so blessed to have him for my husband?

Ok, my procrastination needs to be over… time for a paper and presentation… wish me luck!

Happy St. Patties Day! Anyone have fun plans?

I think we have been here before

Question: Why on Monday mornings does it seem things always go wrong? It’s like a rude awakening; yup it’s not the weekend anymore, welcome back to LIFE!

This morning we were greeted by some not fun news. I realize that I never talked about the fact the Phil’s contract position ended last Friday. Though there have been a few different possibilities, nothing has come up yet, so as of today Phil is at home waiting for a phone call. He was also in the running for what we thought was the perfect job, and found out they chose someone else… yes we found this out this morning… go figure.

Ok, to be honest, I am so confused and frustrated! I know that God has a plan, I am sure that He will take care of us, I know this has all happened for a reason. Though I know these things and have seen God work in our lives in ways we didn’t think were possible, somehow I still feel lost. I feel so human, so shakable. I just keep on praying that God will give me the faith to trust Him, to make it more than head knowledge.
Even as I say these things I feel stupid because I know that God has and will take care of us. He has shown this time and time again. I am excited to see what God has in store, and I really do pray that in my unbelief, God will continue to work in me to follow Him better everyday.

OK…. Therapy session is over…. Thank you for listening, I feel much better.

This weekend was so good for both Phil and me. Friday we had two couples over from our small group for dinner and games. It was a blast and we are continually thankful for great friends in our lives! Saturday, my cold got the best of me and so we spent the day relaxing. Though I felt really lazy it was so nice to just lie on the couch and sleep and relax. Sunday we slept in till WAY to late (honestly, I didn’t know I could sleep in that much anymore!) and when we got up headed outside to the beautiful sunshine. It was 63 and oh so very sunny. For March 14th, I believe we got a record amount of yard work done! The whole yard was just a mess after winter, so we got everything cleaned up, had a fire and burned a bunch of wood and the Christmas tree, took down the Christmas lights, cleaned the excessive amount of doggie presents all over the lawn, and even got an area behind our garage ready for new soil and grass! Phil even changed the oil in both of our cars; honestly the man can do ANYTHING! It felt so great to be outside in fresh air and getting stuff done! We are both very excited for all there is to do in the yard once things warm up even more.

If anyone knows of any job openings or contacts for Phil, we would greatly appreciate it!

Friday!

Ok, so I know I said that since my leg is not as bad as thought I will still be allowed to run the marathon, but maybe that just made it to my head because I AM SO EXCITED, I GET TO RUN THE MARATHON STILL! When I found out I possibly would not be able to run, my heart was broken and more than that I feel a responsibility to the children in Africa who need people to run for them. So, now I just want to run again… has it been six weeks yet?


This weekend we are looking forward to a relaxing time of doing nothing! We were going to tear the bathroom out but decided we are going to wait. I have bronchitis again (yes, this is the THIRD time this winter!!) and both thought that the dust we will create would only make me worse. So we have postponed for a little longer, maybe next weekend!

Hope you all have a great weekend!

I lost something, but I don't remember what it is...

Do you ever have one of those days where you just don’t have a brain? I feel like today has been one of those days for me! Every time I am not at my computer I have had great, deep thoughts about life, I mean the really good ones where you think… “This changes my whole perspective” and naturally my next though is, “I should blog about that.” So here I sit with all these great thoughts and perspectives and for the life of me cannot remember what they were. I guess this is where I need to just laugh at myself and move one!

So sorry to disappoint, no great thoughts here today, check again tomorrow, maybe I will have found my brain, I mean, that is if I can remember long enough that I am searching for it!


To better help you understand, I thought it was important to illustrate with a picture of how i feel...

Ok, maybe.  What did you say? How can I feel crazy on a beautiful beach on Mexico with Leo? (Leo is the penguin.... in case you were wondering....) Ok, here is really how I feel.....

OK.... I lied again... here is the truth... man this blog is really pulling the truth from me!!

I mean, the dog makes this pictures even crazier, yes?!

And the results…. More waiting!

You know how when there is an area in your life you need to work on it always comes up? Its like praying for humbleness, as soon as you do over and over again you're humbled! Well in my life this is patience and giving God control. If you know me well, you understand where I am coming from. I am a very planned organized person. I like to know what I am doing, when I am doing it, what will happen next… blah blah blah… Phil jokes all the time about the lists I make. When we moved I made a list of lists I needed to make. I know to normal people this seems, well, odd, but let’s face it, I’m not normal. Ok, and one more confession while I am at it, yes, my planner is color coded for each thing. Ok, I feel better admitting that!

So as you can see I tend to be a control freak and yes, this is something God is working on with me! I do want God to have the control in my life, and even though I still struggle with this, I have learned SO much over the last few years how life is really totally out of my control. Even though I am getting better at trusting God with my future I still have a long ways to go and I am continually reminded that I need to give everything over to the one who has the control!

Lately with this injury I have struggled with letting things go. Honestly I do not understand why God would tell me to run for kids in Africa only to allow me to get hurt. But I am in a place where I can say, “ok God, you allowed this, let me trust you with what you are doing.” I do not know what is going to happen, but I do trust that even if I am unable to run, God has something planned, even if that is just taking time off and running again next year…

I am still waiting to find out exactly what is going on, even though I BEGGED the lab tech (literally, I begged laying on the MRI table to tell me, yes he thought I was nuts!) to tell me what was going on, the only thing he would tell me is that he saw something and that I would have to wait to talk to my doctor on Tuesday about the results. So I wait… and I am honestly working really hard at trusting God in this time!

Though I still do not have any concrete answers I did find something out about my doctor that I thought was really cool. After my MRI the lab tech said something about my doctor being the best Orthopedic Specialist in the state, I thought he was just being nice and said something like, “yeah, why?” He said that she was nominated and selected to be the DOCTOR FOR THE US OLYMPIC SWIM TEAM!!! How cool is that?! I was really excited to learn this, and know that I am in really good hands also! (I MEAN SHE WORKS WITH MICHAEL PHELPS…)

So despite not understanding why this happened, I am learning to trust God through yet another thing… maybe I will get it right this time!

Happy Thursday!

OK, first let me say how grateful I am for friends and family who have supported me over the last few days. I appreciate knowing you all are there so much! Just so you all know, I am doing a lot better today!

Next, I must say how sore my hand and arms are from crutches! Unbelievable! :) I in no way want to pretend like I understand what it might be like to permanently have a disability, but wow I have gotten a great appreciation for what some go through everyday. Even just getting to and from work has been a challenge, much less stairs or opening doors. Even though this is not what I would have liked, I am grateful it is only temporary!

Tonight I have my MRI and will find out what the prognosis is for my leg… and yes, I am still praying that they will find nothing and say “oops we were wrong” and they let me run to my hearts content… and yes a few people have said I must be crazy… I’m not, I would just like to run!

Today is the first day of spring break at Northwestern, meaning that I have the place to myself for about ten days! I love it when students are hear, but there is something nice about the peace and quite when everyone is gone also. OK, I also love it because SPRING BREAK TIME IS HERE! That means we are getting closer to summer (I know I said I would enjoy where I am at, and I am… I just love SPRING!). Obviously since it is now getting warmer (Yes, 45 seems like a balmy sunny day) I am thinking about pulling out the summer shoes. *Phil, please do not try and stop me!*

Enjoy the sunshine, I hopefully will have a great update tomorrow!