A Honest Reflection...

As I am writing this I have started this post about four different times, each time I have hit the backspace key because the words are just not coming out right. The things that I want to write about are so dark, so deep, that I just can’t seem to find a way to cushion the blow of the words that want to bubble out of me. Life has brought hard things these past few months, and part of me longs to scream at the top of my lungs what has happened and beg anyone who will listen to help justice be done, to do something. Part of me wants to run away from the pain and pretend that nothing is happening, the other tells me that going through this fire is worth it in the end. Yet part of me is still asking if I can make it. I am left asking these questions to God. God, do you see what is happening, are you going to make wrong right like you promised? Will justice be done? Will you be my strength in this time? I know you have promised you will not give me more than I can handle, so why does it feel like I am about to fall over the edge?


Maybe these thoughts alone are too raw, but I must be honest with my struggle. I want to say a cheery sentence at the end saying that even through these times I completely trust God and what he is doing. I want to say that even though I have struggled, God has brought me through these hard times and I am on the other side. However I am not there and I think I have finally come to a place that I can admit that and ultimately be ok with this. I know that there will be a day I will be able to see these things as over and be able to see how God’s hand is in everything, but I am not there yet. Some days I feel like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, others I wonder if these things will ever be done in my life, if the pain and the circumstances will ever change.

I don’t want to seem completely depressed or down, I truly am getting through this times knowing the hope that God gives me. Even as I write this I want to take back what I have said, but I want to be honest, because I am not the only one with life changing events happening in their lives and I know I am not the first or the last to feel like this.

In the pain and frustration, I have found the sweetest hope. Without it, I do not know how I would survive. The first is the truth of who God is. I have come to understand how God does not want these horrific things to happen to His children, however like a good parent God does allow the pain to happen, not to torture us but to help us to become more like him. I believe that I could let this time in my life make me bitter, to be mad at God at why He would allow this to happen or I can choose to let God teach me, to grow me more into His child that looks more like her Father everyday. What a completely overwhelming thought. I pray that I am the daughter who is seeking her heavenly fathers face while facing the hardest hurdles of her life. I pray that I can let these times in my life not pull me away, but push me closer to the life support I so desperately need. The second thing that I have found truly overwhelming is seeing God’s people come around and support in amazing ways. I feel like I have truly seen the body of Christ in action. I have never felt this as much as I did when ten of my co-workers and friends gathered around me and lifted me and my family up to the one who holds the keys.

There is a song by Scott Krippayne that whenever I hear on the radio, I am reminded of a truth I need to cling to. The chorus is this…

Sometimes He calms the storm

With a whispered peace be still

He can settle any sea

But it doesn't mean He will

Sometimes He holds us close

And lets the wind and waves go wild

Sometimes He calms the storm

And other times He calms His child

The part that gets me is understanding that God can calm the storm, sometimes he does. But other times he chooses to let the storm rage but then he will calm his child. In this time, I pray that I will be the child in her heavenly fathers arm that might be really scared, I might not understand, I might even feel like I am about to fall out of him arms, but the truth is HE is holding me in His arms and won’t let go. These are the truths I need to cling to.

Oh how the years go by…

Today I am sitting at work watching the commotions as our students here at Northwestern are finishing up finals and moving out. All students must be moved out of the dorms by noon Friday so many have already gone into panic mode. I see such an array of emotions as they are moving out, some so glad to get out of this place, others not quite willing to let go of the year yet. Though it has been years already I feel like it was not that long ago I was in their shoes.
I am reminded how fast times flies by. Watching the students hurry around, I want to hit the pause button and remind them this is a short season of life that will soon be gone. Enjoy every moment of the experience, it will soon be only a memory.

In my own life I need to remember the same thing. Life is short, days may seem long but the weeks seem short. I want to enjoy all of life for the good and bad. It is so easy for me to forget the small things in life like helping someone out, or just asking how someone’s day has been and truly listening.

Because of What He did for ME!

The last week I have been thinking a lot about my mortality. Did you know you can actually find out the date you will die? Check out: http://www.deathclock.com/ Ok, well maybe not, but I think it puts things in perspective a little bit! On Sunday during the sermon Jason Anderson showed this “clock” to put things in perspective. Honestly, it did the trick, and to be even more honest, I can’t make myself go and do it. Phil did it right away and told me his “death” date and it totally freaked me out! I don’t know if I am in denial, or I just feel strange about knowing a date I could die. But the funny thing is I will die, we all will die. So why do I not want to know a fake number that is computer generated? I should be living like tomorrow is my day, and today is all I have.

With Easter this next week I have been thinking a lot about what Christ did on the cross for me to save me. I am not worthy, I do not deserve grace or mercy. I am full of sin and corruption. Even when I strive my hardest to be like Christ I fall on my face. Thank God I have the hope of salvation.

A few weeks ago in class my professor was talking about grace and mercy, it really struck a chord with me. He used the example of speeding and being pulled over by a cop. The cop walks up to the car and askes, “do you know how fast you were going? He responds “no, not really.” The cop takes his license and registration and goes back to his car to run it. When he comes back to your car he says he is going to let you go this time without a ticket. That is grace, you deserved the ticket, yet you were shown grace. Now imagine the cop then says, “and you know what, he is fifty bucks, take your wife out for a nice meal.” That is mercy. This is what Christ did for us, we deserve death, yet he showed us grace by saving us from this. That would have been enough by itself, yet Christ goes a step farther and says I am not only going to save you, but to make you part of my family and give you the hope of heaven.

If you let this reality sink in, you and I should live out lives differently. We were shown the greatest grace and mercy, let us live lives full of grace and mercy. I want to live each day knowing this could be my last, I want people that I interact with see Christ in me, whether I am at the gas station interacting with the attendant for a short few moments or I am having coffee with a great friend or at home. I want my life to be the city on the hill for all to see.

I hope you all have a great Easter with friends and family, let what Christ did for you sink in, I challenge myself and you to not just let this be another holiday but make it a change in your life and use every moment to live in the grace and mercy Jesus has shown us. Because is what Christ has done for me, I will live me life for Him!

Want to hear a great song that has inspired me? Click Here!! 

"Let me tell you why you are here. You're here to be salt-seasoning that brings out the God-flavors of this earth. If you lose your saltiness, how will people taste godliness? You've lost your usefulness and will end up in the garbage.

"Here's another way to put it: You're here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world. God is not a secret to be kept. We're going public with this, as public as a city on a hill. If I make you light-bearers, you don't think I'm going to hide you under a bucket, do you? I'm putting you on a light stand. Now that I've put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand—shine! Keep open house; be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you'll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven.

Matthew 5:13-16 (The Message)

On reading...

Yesterday I was working on a paper for grad school and started looking through our book shelf to find some resources for the paper. As I was looking through them I realized that there are a ton of books on my shelf that I have bought and never read. You see, I like to think of myself as a learner, and really, I do enjoy learning. However sometimes my intentions and actions do not line up. As I looked through the books I realized there were so many good things I could learn and got excited about being more intentional about reading things.
SO, here I go… I am going to start being more intentional! The first book I am going through is Praise Habit by David Crowder. My Mom gave it to my a while ago, and I have just not made it a priority, but that’s going to change! The book is about how our whole lives are praise, not just our worship or “set aside times.” In the first chapter he talks about how he as a kid would “find” God in different things, church, bible study, camp ect. Then as a junior in high school went through a traumatic time and felt lost in “finding” God. To hear how he started living a life of praise from this is really cool. I am looking forward to reading the rest and sharing what I am learning!

What books have you read latley that you enjoyed?

Job Update: Phil has a few different options from his company; it looks likely that he will start on Monday again. We are very thankful for Gods provision through this all. I feel like every time we are in this situation we grown and learn more about who God is. It is just amazing how God takes care of his children, he sure it taking care of us!

Bathroom Update: We have taken the last few days “off” since we were fairly burned out from the weekend! However that is about to change! Tonight we are going to finish the plumbing to the bathtub and get the cement board up on the walls so we can tile! My hope it to be able to have a working shower by next week! Phil is at Home Depot right now getting a few more things including a toilet that we are going to install temporarily until we are ready to tile the floors.

Thanks for your comments yesterday, its so great to know I am not the only one!

Where’s the re-set button?

Some days I would like there to be a reset button for my life. Or for that matter a rewind would work well to. The things that I do and say sometimes I wish so badly I could do over, unfortunately time keeps moving on… This morning was one of those mornings. I woke up at 4am, wide awake ready to start the day, only it was 4am and who starts their day that early when they don’t have to… so I made the choice to stay in bed, just for the record, I should have just gotten up! Since I could not sleep I laid there thinking, not good productive thoughts but ones that dragged me down. I thought about how frustrated I am to not be able to run, how because of my injury I stopped caring about what I eat and working out have slipped greatly… how I am frustrated by a dirty house… the dog snoring on the floor next to me… how once I got up I would not be able to find the things I need due to a torn apart house… and other such thoughts that made me in a sour mood by the time I finally got up.

As I stomped around the house (ok I am not proud to admit that, but it’s the truth) I thought about how frustrated I was by different things, I let new things start to bother me and continued down the crabby (ok maybe way more than crabby) road. The whole time I was thinking, poor me, I am such a victim. I mean seriously… it’s not my fault I broke my leg, the house being a mess because the bathroom re-model, defiantly not my choice….. After running around trying to find clothes, shoes, makeup, food and being fairly unsuccessful at most, I made enough noise to wake Phil up, who sweetly asked me if he could help with anything. Oh course my mood was so sour by this point I answer with a stream of “this is wrong… that is wrong… I hate this mess… why are we doing this… there is no food… blah blah blah. Poor Phil, he took the brunt of it.

After my tirade finished, Phil got out of bed to come over and hug me, I started to realize how dumb and immature I was being. Guilt washed over me, and I realized that all the things I was mad and upset about I choose. I am not a victim in life, but somehow I had fallen into the trap. After apologizing to Phil I ran out the door (since by now, I was running late as well).

I got into my car and the first song on the radio was the new song by Kris Allen, Live Like We’re Dying. The basis idea of the song is that we are only given so much time in a day so we better live with a purpose and make every moment count. OK, it hit me again. What if I get in a car accident on the way to work and my spew of anger was the last encounter I had with Phil? Is this how I want to be remembered? No, I want to make every moment count. As I drove I started to realize that all the things I was so upset about and wanting to blame on someone else was 100% me, not anyone else. I am the one who broke my leg, I knew something hurt, I made the choice to keep on running. I am the one who wanted to re-model the bathroom and knew full well that would mean a messy house for a while.

So where is my reset button? I would like to choose a different path this time. I would like to wake up and start my day with prayer, to thank God for another day to live, to love, to show this world Christ’s refection. To kiss my husband goodbye and tell him that I love him more than anything. Though I cannot re-do my morning I want to learn from it. I am choosing to take responsibility for my life and I am determined that even if it is slow progress to place God at the center and live every moment like it is my last, cause who knows, it could be.

As I continue with my day, my prayer is for Christ to be the center of my life, to be where I fix my eyes…

Center

You’re the center of the universe

Everything was made in You Jesus

Breath of every living thing

Everyone was made for You

You hold everything together

Christ be the center of our lives

Be the place we fix our eyes

Be the center of our lives

We lift our eyes to heaven

We wrap our lives around your life

We lift our eyes to heaven, to You – Charlie Hall

Learning “Joy”

Over the past weeks and months I have been really challenged to re-think the way I live life. Honestly, I can struggle to not play the pity my card when things don’t go my way or even just having a good attitude in all things. For example, living in Minnesota has its challenges! I recently heard a weather man talking about why Minnesota has such extreme weather. We are right in the middle of the equator and the north poll, so we get the worst and best of both climates. I am a freeze baby anyway so winter can tend to be more miserable for me. In the past I have always let the weather dictate my mood… sunny days are good, but on the cold cloudy days I can tend to be a grouch.

After we went to Cancun over Christmas this year I was really dreading coming back to the cold, but started thinking about my attitude. I realized that by allowing myself to be crabby about the cold was wasting time and not living a life of joy that I want to live. Though the cold is still cold, I am learning to realize this is where I live right now, and choosing to love the weather for all its ups and downs makes me a much happier person.

Though this example is simplistic, I have been trying to apply this to my whole life. Often we wish things away and only see the grass on the other side. I just don’t want to live my life this way. I want to be in the moment, living and enjoying all that God has for me now, not wishing for things to be different. I am defiantly still learning, and know I will never stop learning contentment and joy, but am so thankful for the changes I have already made.

I would love to hear how you choose joy in life…. Leave a comment!

And now for the change of subjects: Bathroom Update (OK, for those of you who watch SNL, when I say Bathroom Update, I hear the music playing from the Weekend Update….)

Yesterday we were very pleasantly surprised that our state tax refund had already been put into our account! Go Phil for doing our taxes well and right away.. did you know he is the best?! SO, we decided we wanted to get the vanity ordered for the bathroom first since that is the only thing we need to order and we wanted to make sure we have it when we need it. I just got a notice saying it has shipped and is scheduled to arrive on MONDAY!! Very exciting for us…. Now we wait for our federal tax return…. Hopefully within the next three weeks. Then the party begins…… or the mess….. ok one or the other!

Feed my Starving Children

On Monday night our small group packed meals for Feed My Starving Children. If you have never heard about this organization, you should check their web site out here. But for a quick re-cap what they do is pack and send these food packs to children all around the world who are starving. The packs consist of Chicken and vitamin formula, rice, vegetables, and soy. These four ingredients give the children the nutrition to grow and become healthy again.
Eagle Brook is doing a project this month where as a church we are packing over 3 million meals to send to places like Haiti where poverty is rampant, especially after the earthquake. It was a blast to do, but also really cool to know the time we were spending packing meals was going to directly affect a child’s life. Over the course of the night, we packed enough meals to feed 94 children for a year, unbelievable!

On another note, Phil and I are both so grateful for our small group! Since we got married fairly young we have been the only married couple for a long time and have really desired to be with others who are in the same stage of life we are. We have found such great friendships through our small group and love having other married couples to hang out with.

Hope you all are enjoying the halfway point of the week! Only two days until the weekend!

Coming soon…. The story of Phil falling through a wall… yes, there will be pictures!

Has your heart been broken?

Have you ever had an experience where your heart has been broken? I do not mean a broken heart from a relationship gone bad, though that hurts also. I mean a broken heart over the things God’s heart breaks for?

When I was thirteen I boarded a plane headed for Rio De Janeiro Brazil where my life was changed forever. Though this trip was over eleven years ago I find that I am still processing what that experience did to my heart. I distinctly remember the moments I sat on the orphanage floor with a child who was dying of AIDS. I remember the smell of the dump where people lived in literally cardboard houses and searched the dump all day for anything they could sell to buy food. I remember walking down the street seeing the child with the overextended stomach, assuming the child was overweight, but fining out later that once starvation takes over your body creates gas and literally blows up your body. I remember weeping over what I saw; to this day I cannot think about these things without being overcome with emotion.

When I came home, nothing was the same. My life was changed forever. Since this time I have known that I have a passion and a longing to do something about these children. I remember holding the children knowing that someday I want to adopt a child and give them a different life.

This past fall I was sitting next to my husband in a leadership training where the speaker showed pictures of a missions trip he had just gotten back from. He talked about the people and what he saw and experienced. As soon as he started talking tears ran down my face as I was once again reminded of my own broken heart for things like this. On the way home, I sobbed over my broken heart for these things. But also felt helpless. I want to do something, but I do not feel called to be a missionary in Africa, so what is this calling?

A month later a co-worker came to me and asked me if I was planning on running a marathon this year. I said yes, this was the year to be crazy… She then told me about what World Vision is doing. (see this post for more info) THIS WAS IT! I was so excited I didn’t know what to do with myself.

I have come to realize that God has been preparing me for this, to do something in my own community alongside my friends and family to make a difference for the child who lives in the dump, the baby with AIDS in the orphanage, the child dying of starvation on the street. I run for them. I run so that others can be exposed to these things and have their heart broken too.

These memories may never go away, in fact I never want them to. I want to have a heart that beats for what Christ’s heart beats for, that loves what Christ loves, and that cares for those who do not have a voice and be their voice. I may not have the money to change the world, the ability to change countries, but I do have two legs… and so I RUN.

Micah 6:8
But he's already made it plain how to live, what to do,
what God is looking for in men and women.
It's quite simple: Do what is fair and just to your neighbor,
be compassionate and loyal in your love,
And don't take yourself too seriously—
take God seriously.