A Honest Reflection...

As I am writing this I have started this post about four different times, each time I have hit the backspace key because the words are just not coming out right. The things that I want to write about are so dark, so deep, that I just can’t seem to find a way to cushion the blow of the words that want to bubble out of me. Life has brought hard things these past few months, and part of me longs to scream at the top of my lungs what has happened and beg anyone who will listen to help justice be done, to do something. Part of me wants to run away from the pain and pretend that nothing is happening, the other tells me that going through this fire is worth it in the end. Yet part of me is still asking if I can make it. I am left asking these questions to God. God, do you see what is happening, are you going to make wrong right like you promised? Will justice be done? Will you be my strength in this time? I know you have promised you will not give me more than I can handle, so why does it feel like I am about to fall over the edge?


Maybe these thoughts alone are too raw, but I must be honest with my struggle. I want to say a cheery sentence at the end saying that even through these times I completely trust God and what he is doing. I want to say that even though I have struggled, God has brought me through these hard times and I am on the other side. However I am not there and I think I have finally come to a place that I can admit that and ultimately be ok with this. I know that there will be a day I will be able to see these things as over and be able to see how God’s hand is in everything, but I am not there yet. Some days I feel like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, others I wonder if these things will ever be done in my life, if the pain and the circumstances will ever change.

I don’t want to seem completely depressed or down, I truly am getting through this times knowing the hope that God gives me. Even as I write this I want to take back what I have said, but I want to be honest, because I am not the only one with life changing events happening in their lives and I know I am not the first or the last to feel like this.

In the pain and frustration, I have found the sweetest hope. Without it, I do not know how I would survive. The first is the truth of who God is. I have come to understand how God does not want these horrific things to happen to His children, however like a good parent God does allow the pain to happen, not to torture us but to help us to become more like him. I believe that I could let this time in my life make me bitter, to be mad at God at why He would allow this to happen or I can choose to let God teach me, to grow me more into His child that looks more like her Father everyday. What a completely overwhelming thought. I pray that I am the daughter who is seeking her heavenly fathers face while facing the hardest hurdles of her life. I pray that I can let these times in my life not pull me away, but push me closer to the life support I so desperately need. The second thing that I have found truly overwhelming is seeing God’s people come around and support in amazing ways. I feel like I have truly seen the body of Christ in action. I have never felt this as much as I did when ten of my co-workers and friends gathered around me and lifted me and my family up to the one who holds the keys.

There is a song by Scott Krippayne that whenever I hear on the radio, I am reminded of a truth I need to cling to. The chorus is this…

Sometimes He calms the storm

With a whispered peace be still

He can settle any sea

But it doesn't mean He will

Sometimes He holds us close

And lets the wind and waves go wild

Sometimes He calms the storm

And other times He calms His child

The part that gets me is understanding that God can calm the storm, sometimes he does. But other times he chooses to let the storm rage but then he will calm his child. In this time, I pray that I will be the child in her heavenly fathers arm that might be really scared, I might not understand, I might even feel like I am about to fall out of him arms, but the truth is HE is holding me in His arms and won’t let go. These are the truths I need to cling to.